March 22, 2009

Memo to Supreme Leader on the United States


Samir Inqilabi, Principal


Date: Favardin 2, 1388

Subject: The Great Satan

To: His Excellency Ayatollah Sayid Ali Khamenei
The Office of the Supreme Leader
Islamic Republic Street - Shahid Keshvar Doust Street
Tehran, Islamic Republic of Iran

Your Excellency,

I read with great interest your reaction to U.S. President Obama's recent Nowruz message to the Iranian people. Supporters of the Islamic Revolution and the Islamic Republic applaud your staunch position despite the pleas of the Great Satan's skillful orator. His repeated attempts to gain your favor only demonstrate the failures of his nation's policies toward the Iranian and Islamic peoples.

Obama video
That said, Excellency, perhaps a change in your rhetoric might be more beneficial to the Revolution and further our cause. I humbly propose that you be more receptive - or appear to be - to Mr. Obama's approaches. This will force him to either make even more positive overtures toward the Islamic Republic, or reveal himself for what he most likely is - a clever speaker. When pressed to produce results, do we really expect him to stop his country's dangerous support for Israel, to lift sanctions on the Islamic Republic, or to apologize for the abysmal treatment of Iran over the last six decades?

Will the American people stand for a president that almost immediately upon taking office tries to appease almost all of their enemies? After all, Obama has already said he wants to talk to "moderate" elements of the Taliban. Yes, Excellency, I am aware how laughable that is - almost as laughable as earlier American administrations trying to appeal to "moderate" elements of the Iranian revolution. In January the Obama transition team indicated that the new president was even considering opening a channel to Hamas, to stop ostracizing our brothers in the Islamic Resistance. Even before that, he acknowledged that our most successful group - Hizballah - has "legitimate claims."

It remains to be seen, but this is your opportunity to put him on the spot. You have already, as the American's say, put the ball into his court. Now is the chance to make him perform. He has already demonstrated his weakness through multiple pathetic pleas for your approval. Paraphrasing candidate Obama, "Now is our time." Many of our Arabic-speaking brethren always fondly say these things will happen fil mish-mish ("in the time of the apricots," meaning never). Excellency, the trees are blooming.

Here are some suggested issues you may use to challenge Mr. Obama. Ask him to officially take the military option off the table in regards to our peaceful nuclear program. Ideally, he will then declare publicly that we have the right to enrich uranium - after all, it is for our electrical power needs of the future. It helps, Excellency, if you are able to stifle a smile when you repeat this fabrication.

I realize that this may be too much for Mr. Obama's first step in changing America's policy from one of leadership to one of acquiescence. Perhaps you should start with something less controversial - demand the unfreezing of Iranian assets in the United States and moving towards an end to the criminal sanctions on the Islamic Republic as expressions of his good intentions. Obama can enlist his friends in Europe and the United Nations to help on this effort.

I would have advised not to push on the Israeli issue as the Zionist lobby in the United States is very powerful, but things may be changing. The Israeli military chief of staff, Lieutenant General Gabi Ashkenazi, was given what was described in the press as an "extraordinarily cool" reception in Washington by the Obama administration last week - he was there to talk about our alleged nuclear weapons program. I take this as a sign that the new administration regards Iran as much more important than past presidencies did. Perhaps now might be the time to ask Obama for a real gesture at the expense of America's relationship with Israel.

Excellency, the naive American president has painted himself into a corner. If he wants to improve relations with the Islamic Republic, he now has to make a concession to us. Seize the moment.

You have my number, Excellency - call.